Lez Say More Podcast
Welcome to Lez Say More: the podcast where your favorite duo of best friends—together for over 20 years—gets real about the queer community. Join us every Wednesday as we dive into everything from health and wellness, to fashion, relationships, sex - and even the occasional celebrity gossip. With our trademark humor and brutal honesty, we’re here to share stories, laughs, and insights about the (queer) modern life and all the fabulousness it has to offer. Whether you're part of the community or just curious, grab your favorite drink and join the conversation—because we promise to keep it funny, relatable, and absolutely unfiltered!
Lez Say More Podcast
Navigating Heartbreak: Solange on Love, Loss, and Self-Discovery
Solange opens up about her journey through marriage, grief, and personal growth after a painful divorce. This episode explores the importance of therapy, self-reflection, and the impact of loss on relationships, ultimately leading to a hopeful outlook on future love.
• Solange reflects on her early relationship and living together
• The tragic loss of her mother reshapes her marriage
• The role of therapy in processing grief and relationships
• Navigating the difficult decision to divorce
• Insights on rebuilding life after heartbreak
• Advice for those considering divorce and prioritizing self
• A renewed perspective on love and future relationships
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But I'll have a bachelorette party to go to. Yeah, I guess.
Speaker 2:If you're going to throw it, yeah, why would yeah, I'm going to throw, but see if I throw it. Your definition of fun might not be the same.
Speaker 1:No, I don't think I'm that same person, so you would have fun.
Speaker 2:Hell yeah, I'd have fun. Like, yeah, okay, then I would throw it, we have fun.
Speaker 1:Then I would throw the patch that I'm ready.
Speaker 2:I would hope that my future wife would be totally fine with it. Yeah, if not, then I think she would be. I would have to sell it to her. This is why I think she would be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hey guys, welcome back to the Less Say More podcast. I am Solange, I'm Ava, and today we have a Let me interrupt you.
Speaker 2:Today I have a special guest on the show. She's a friend of the podcast. You all may have seen her a few times here and there. The lovely Solange is my guest today. Say hello, hello. Round of applause. All right, so today it's just us. Today we don't have a third.
Speaker 1:I know it makes it so I feel so weird now without the threesome happening, that's not what I expected to hear from you today. It feels weird with just us two.
Speaker 2:I like it.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I like You're so rude Jesus.
Speaker 1:I'm like, where's our throuple?
Speaker 2:No throuple today. You just have to deal with me, all right? Well, today we're going to talk about Solange and her past life. You know her marriage that led into a divorce, and we're going to learn a few things about Solange that maybe some of the viewers didn't know or want to know. Oh Right, it's going to be a good fun episode. Are you ready? I'm ready.
Speaker 1:She's in the hot seat today. I'm in the hot seat today. I'm a little nervous, but it's okay, I'm in the hot seat today.
Speaker 2:I'm a little nervous but I'll make it painless. But now that you made that comment about you know feeling weird with me, I don't know, I think I might throw in some questions. No, I'm kidding through mutual friends out in the in the scene uh lesbian scene yeah, the lesbian scene, I think.
Speaker 1:It was like at a nightclub or something like that. Like she was friends with a group of friends that I was friends with, that I kept going out with and I would see her, but we didn't like like know each other and we just so happen to always be hanging out around the same crowd when we would go out, but we never actually interacted. I think at one point we even took a group picture and she's in the picture with me and all of our friends, but we didn't know each other. That's crazy. That's kind of weird right, that's weird yeah, so, yeah.
Speaker 1:So we met, through mutual friends, out one night at one of the many nights that would happen back in the day when we actually had clubs to go to Now.
Speaker 2:We don't how long were the two of you together before you guys got married?
Speaker 1:We were together for about oh geez, I think it was like five years before we got married.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, Were you like a U-Haul lesbian. Did you move in?
Speaker 1:No, she actually moved in with me at my parents' house. I was 25. I was young. We met young. She's older than I, so she was about six years older, I think. Okay, so she was about six years older, I think. So I was 25. She was like 31 when we met.
Speaker 1:She happened to be going through a really hard time because this was like during the whole 2008 market crash and all that. Her career happened to be in that field. So there was like a lot of stuff happening and we had just met, we had just started dating and at that moment in time she was living kind of far, like she was living probably about 45 minutes to an hour from me. So it was just easier for her to move in, really, because she was kind of in a transitional period where she was leaving her home and there were just a lot of things happening. So we were going back and forth for a while and then at one point she just ended up moving into my parents' place because she was going to start going to school out here for a new career and it happened to be close to my home. So instead of her commuting from like Orange County out here, she just ended up moving in and so we were living together for about five years before I kind of got an ultimatum. Oh, she gave you an ultimatum, yeah.
Speaker 1:It was sort of like an ultimatum. It was one of those. I'm going to move out and going to get my own place and I want to get married and I want you know this, this and this.
Speaker 2:And if this doesn't happen, like you know, adios, that would have been cool if back then the show the Ultimatum was on. You could have gone on that and who knows, like who knows what could have happened. Who knows where that would have gone, because I could have gone. That goes two separate ways, yeah. Well three, because then you could also leave single.
Speaker 1:That's true. That's true. That would have been awesome. The Queer Ultimatum was a good one.
Speaker 2:I liked that one, you could have made a lot of money. I don't know if you Do. You get paid. Well, maybe not from the, I think the show, maybe you get something, but then you would have been so popular, I don't know. And then you would have gotten endorsements. What if I was the villain?
Speaker 1:That's terrible, because you know sometimes when they edit, being on on this side of of that field, when you edit you can edit somebody to sound a certain way or be perceived in a certain manner.
Speaker 2:No, I wouldn't let you be the villain, because if they try to make you the villain, then I would start a show and I would be like I would expose it all, like no, actually the debunking, yes, I would debunk it all, so I would help you unvillain yourself. I like it. I like it. I don't think I said the correct word.
Speaker 1:No, I don't think un-villain's a word, but it's okay, we know what you mean. Thank you very much.
Speaker 2:So you got the ultimatum you proposed. Obviously, I was in your wedding. I had a lot of fun. I was the emcee you sure were. There was a picture of me I don't know where it is, but I wore a blouse and I think I spilled. I'm notorious for spilling a drink Missing. You have a hole in your lip, yeah, and there is the stain or whatever. As I'm emceeing your wedding, I'm on the dance floor, I'm seeing it, and then there's like a stain right here.
Speaker 1:Oh, I believe it there's. That wedding was insane. A lot of things happened at that wedding. A lot of things happened at that wedding that I came to find out after, by the way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I mean it was good times.
Speaker 1:It was a great time.
Speaker 2:It was a really good time. But okay, so it happened. You got married, yes, and then you guys moved in. You moved out of your parents' house.
Speaker 1:Well, or was that before the wedding? It was a lot of things that happened. So we got engaged, we were in the process of planning our wedding and the whole thing and at the same time I bought a condo and we were moving into the condo. But we were renovating the condo. So my mom and my stepdad and I were all kind of in the mix of all of that renovating the condo At the same time we were planning a wedding, and so it was. There was a lot going on.
Speaker 1:We moved into the condo, I think a year before we got married, about a year before we got married, and or a little less than a year, I don't even think we were in the condo for a year. And our wedding, our first wedding date, because we had two wedding dates yes, the first wedding date was in June. So we ended up going up to Santa Barbara. We were going to have our wedding at a family property and my mother ends up having an accident and well, an incident happened and she passed away. So that was a huge kind of factor in the whole process of everything that happened from that point on in my life, Because you and your mom.
Speaker 2:you know I don't know if a lot of people know this, but you were the baby of the family. Yeah, and you and your mom had a very close relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my mom and I were like, I mean, there's a saying in Spanish, it's uña y mugre, like nail and dirt. Yeah, you know, you guys are like glued together. So, yeah, I was the last one of the Mohicans to leave the house. I stayed till the very end, clenched onto her as tightly as I possibly could. She was everything to me, like my everything, like we were super close, and she passed away when I was 30.
Speaker 1:So that year my mom passed away. Literally, she had this incident happen the day before the wedding. Yes, we were up there, we were, you know, putting the wedding together. We were doing everything. I got the news so I shot back down, we canceled the wedding. She passed away 10 days later.
Speaker 1:But in the midst of all of that, we had to figure out what we were going to do. So were we going to go ahead and move forward with the wedding? Were we going to postpone it? What the heck were we going to do?
Speaker 1:And I had this huge sort of like guilt feeling that I was caring about wanting to proceed with the wedding because I felt like it would be an honor of her, because she had helped so much with putting this wedding together and she was a part of it and I almost felt like, if I'm ever going to get married, and this would be the closest to her being involved. So there were a lot of things that were layered in all of it and I ended up talking to my then partner and we decided to just go ahead and move forward with having the wedding, since we had already had, we had everything right. We had already had, we had everything right. We purchased everything. We had everything.
Speaker 1:Like it was just so much that went into it and I felt like my mom would have been like, just do it. So we ended up having it a couple months later and honestly, it was a bit of a blur, because I think I was in such a deep depression and I was just going through the motions of life without really knowing what was happening, like I just could not process anything at that moment in my life, like I was just completely dead inside. Like I was just completely dead inside and the grief had consumed me so, like it was so abundant in my life, like I was in such deep grief that I don't think I gave anything much attention Not myself, not my marriage, not my partner, not my like nothing in my life got any attention from me. So we got married and from that point on it was kind of a roller coaster.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I recently found I haven't told you this I found a letter that you wrote me. You hand wrote me a letter, I remember this, and you thanked me for being there for you through your and I like read it.
Speaker 2:I have it, it's, it's in my like shoe closet but it's like full and I was like what is this paper? And I opened it and it was. It was you and I was like I I read it all the way through and then I got emotional because obviously it takes you back to that time and I just remember how hard it was for you and I know that it was so hard for you that I know it impacted every aspect of your life and your marriage. That must have been hard on both ends of it, like I'm sure she had some oh, yeah, it was hard for her to try to maybe console you, because I think you couldn't console you.
Speaker 1:No, I was unconsolable.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Like there was nothing that anyone could do to make me not hurt Right During that time. And I it took me a long time, I mean a long time, to get to a point where I could actually like grief is not linear and it is not something that you can just get over, like some people think oh, it's been a year, just move on, right. Oh, it's been you know 10 years, just move on. It's not something that you can just get over and it's also not something that, um, it kind of hits you when it hits you and you're not expecting it and you don't know how or when it's going to happen, and something will trigger your grief and it's it's the craziest thing to go through, especially when you lose somebody who is so monumental to your life, like your creator, your partner, your best friend, your family member, a brother, a sibling, like anybody who you have, like this incredibly strong bond to or connection to. It is so profound that it's it's hard. It's hard to go through something like that. And until you've gone through it, I feel like that's what bonds people together a lot of times is that grief, but for me it was something that I had never experienced. I had experienced the loss right, but never obviously my parent right and not somebody that important to me and and she was like, like to the point where I would have nightmares that she would pass away and I was having them actually before she had passed, which I think is super weird. Yeah, that is weird, but it really affected my marriage. It really affected every relationship I had. I think it affected my friendships. It affected a lot of things because I didn't have the desire to go anywhere. I didn't have the desire to go out, I didn't have the desire to go out, I didn't have the desire to want to even live. You know, like there were a lot of things that I mean I was in a really dark place.
Speaker 1:So I think for her and I'm not going to necessarily speak for her because I don't know, but based on, like, the conversations that I had with her at that time and my perception of things, I think for her it was really hard to be there for me because she was also grieving.
Speaker 1:She was also grieving the loss of my mom. She was close to my mom, you know, she had her own relationship with my mom, so I think for her it was really difficult as well, and then also to be there for me and not really know how to be there for me. I think that was also really difficult for her, and so it just became this thing, where it was layered and there were a lot of issues that kept coming up in our relationship. A lot of them revolved around me not really wanting to be present in the relationship, present in life, present in the relationship, present in life. So, yeah, so the first, I would say the first five years of our marriage was extremely excruciatingly painful for me, to the point where, I mean, I think I didn't start going to therapy till probably year five.
Speaker 2:No, year four. What made you realize, okay, I need start going to therapy till probably year five, no, year four.
Speaker 1:What made you realize, okay, I need to go a lot for learning. Challenges that I had as a child was going through homosexuality in the sense of like self-identity and figuring out what I am, who I am, what I want, what, like. All those things triggered me in different ways. So I went to therapy for all these different things and so I had this like weird relationship with therapy. Yeah, so I didn't want to go, and I didn't want to go also because I was forced to go as a kid, so it almost felt like you're forcing me to go now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, got it.
Speaker 1:And I was really like I'll go when I'm ready, I'll go when I'm ready.
Speaker 1:It was a point where I hit this wall of grief, where I was contemplating taking my life, and at that point, I think for me it was like okay, this is this, is this is the. The, the point where you go seek therapy because it's getting to a point where you're seriously contemplating taking your life, you're seriously affecting the people around you, like and I was already but I think for me it was also. I was trying to be the strong person in my family and you know, help my siblings, and there were other things happening during that time that were also catastrophic. It was like the worst I would say the worst a decade, I think of my life. And in therapy I just started to kind of unpack things, yeah, and we started to unpack my grief and my challenges as a kid and my relationship with my mom, and a lot of it was in my marriage and whether I was with this person because I was doing it for me or if I was with this person because I was doing it for others.
Speaker 2:And at that point is that when you realized.
Speaker 1:Yes At that point.
Speaker 1:I realized okay, this is not going to work because I'm not romantically there and I'm not emotionally there. We had an incredible friendship. Our relationship was really great as a friendship like friendship, like our relationship was, was really great as a friendship. But and I think this happens a lot with lesbian relationships where you kind of just become friends and it's really hard to keep the romance portion of it intact. But I think when you layer on the trauma and the grief and all the shit that was like happening in my life, it just makes it worse, because I was in such deep grief that like I didn didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to be like in any kind of vulnerable place, like that was the last thing I wanted. So she was trying to be as understanding and respectful as possible as well. So I think that that was, you know, something where we didn't communicate. We didn't have communication. I think one of the key things in any relationship is communication and we didn't have that.
Speaker 2:Like we never fought, we were just like really good friends, yeah so, but then you aren't friends now because? So it goes into like can they all think lesbians are always friends with their exes and I try to say I don't think that that's true.
Speaker 1:You know what? I think you can be, okay, I definitely think you can be friends with your exes. I don't think that there's anything wrong with people who are friends with their exes, but it depends on how that happens, like if you dated in high school and then you know people kind of become friends thereafter, if those are all different ways that people become friends with their exes. But I think if it's something where you were married to this person I mean don't get me wrong there are people who have amicable breakups and relationships and and you both are on the same page and you both want to be friends and it's fine. My divorce was very amicable, okay.
Speaker 1:That leads me to what I was going to ask you next Was it mutual.
Speaker 2:It wasn't mutual. It wasn't mutual.
Speaker 1:No, so I was the one that initiated we were going to couples therapy. Okay, was the one that initiated we were going to couples therapy. Okay, and I was the one, the that initiated the divorce and I was the one, the that initiated the end of the relationship. She was very much and very willing to want to continue to be in it and work on it and you know she didn't want it to end which I, I understand know she came into this relationship wholeheartedly wanting to be with me and wanting the relationship to work.
Speaker 1:And I think I just had I had. I think I had mourned the relationship years prior and which is unfair, I guess because I did it quietly to myself, right, Without realizing that that's what I was doing, Right, Until I had gone to therapy and everything kind of got painted and clicked. Yeah, and the veil got lifted and you're like I see what I did there Therapy is.
Speaker 2:you are an example, so am I, of therapy just works wonders.
Speaker 1:Therapy is great. I mean, I'm all about therapy. Yes, I think therapy is a fantastic tool. I know that we live in a country and in a society where therapy is very much talked about and people go to therapy even when things are not wrong like you. Just you think it's because they want they want someone to talk to.
Speaker 1:They're like I'm bored yeah, well, not only that, but like you work through things right, like you work through whatever's happening at that time in your life before it festers and becomes right, a bigger problem, I agree, which I think couples should do that all the time, whether Right. I agree just already at the point of breaking, and I think I personally realized that the relationship was over years prior. I had checked out years prior.
Speaker 2:Was it hard for you to?
Speaker 1:tell her face to face. Oh my God, it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Yeah Was to. I'm not somebody who likes conflict.
Speaker 1:I am very much a people pleaser. I try to make everybody happy. I try to like this was me prior, but I would live in the worst of the worst of situations in like my own sadness or anger or discomfort, just so that the other person felt, okay, you know. And it got to the point where, in therapy, my therapist was like okay, you can't keep doing this for other people. Do you see the pattern? And I'm like, yeah, I see the pattern. And she's like you have to break this pattern. You're living your life for other people. You lived your life for your mother, now you're living your life for your partner, and this is not good, this is not healthy. What does Solange want? Right? And at that point it clicked and I was like Solange wants out, solange wants to be alone and be by herself.
Speaker 1:I had never lived alone, I had never been alone, I had never had to I don't know be by myself with my own thoughts and my own feelings. And I was always in a relationship. And if I wasn't in a relationship, I was like with my parents, you know. And so it got to the point where I was like no, I need to know what I want. And so, yeah, I unfortunately broke her heart and I felt horrible about it.
Speaker 1:The guilt was devastating, as it would be for anybody, I think, going through that situation. But I had to be honest with her, but mostly with myself, yeah, and tell her like I'm just not there, I, you know, I don't think that this relationship's going to go any further than it has. Like we've hit our point, like I don't. Like, even if, because people say, well, why didn't you keep trying, why didn't you keep going to therapy, why didn't you try all these other things and it's like you get to a point where, like, you see that person almost as a sibling, you know, know, like a best friend or a sibling, somebody who you care for and you love deeply, but not in a romantic way. Yeah, you can't After that at that point.
Speaker 2:You can't. You can't go back on that. You can't go back on that. Yeah, you can't Because, yeah, no, Because when you're laying in bed, you don't have the desire to, maybe and this is just me thinking like kiss them goodnight, and I think a part of it too you may have done her a favor without her even knowing.
Speaker 1:Oh, I know, I did because you know.
Speaker 2:Because she wasn't getting the best version of you. No.
Speaker 1:She was totally being cheated out of the best version of me. She was being cheated out of like, like, being fully loved and cared for, but she, all in all honesty, she's a great human being. Like, she's a great person. We all have our flaws, we all have our hiccups, but she's a great person. I'm never going to take that away from her. We just did, we were just we're not compatible in a romantic way.
Speaker 1:You were the opposite side of the battery. We were, yeah, we were compatible in a friendship. We were compatible as I think, two people at one point in time you know, who were at the, at these places in their lives where we were really young and you know you go through that, the motions of what's next, right, and I wanted to give my mom grandchildren and I wanted to. My mom was old, she was older when she had me, so I knew her time was limited, yeah, and I wanted to give her these things. And I think, in wanting to give her these things, I settled, yeah, that makes sense. And I was really young and I was always living for other people, particularly her was really young, and I was always living for other people, particularly her.
Speaker 1:And when you come from a very like intense Latin family, like I did, where they all have a say. They all tell you what to do and how to live your life and who to be. And you need to be a lawyer, you need to be a doctor, you need to go get married and have children, and what your children's names are going to be. Exactly, that's exactly the like family dynamic I had. You know, although my mom was great, she was very much like an advocate for us, but at the same time she loved to control. Yes, you know.
Speaker 1:So I think for me it was like how do I please her? Let me give her grandchildren, let me get married, let me do this, let me do that. She's going to be there. I want her to walk me down the aisle, I want her to be there, you know. And so I was rushing things. Also, I had kind of had this ultimatum. So I didn't want to lose the relationship, I didn't necessarily want to get married either, but it kind of just all made sense at that time. I was really young I mean, 25 years old is really young to meet somebody and then to be with them for Jesus. 13 years, I think.
Speaker 2:Wow, it trips me out. That's how long you guys were together for yeah because I got divorced at 36.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or we separated at 36. And then divorce took a little while.
Speaker 2:What do you think was the hardest part of the divorce process?
Speaker 1:Saying I want a divorce, that was the hardest part of the divorce process. Saying I want a divorce, that was the hardest part. I mean, honestly, I couldn't have had a better divorce, because I've heard some horror stories, but I think because I was very honest with her about where I stood in the relationship and how I didn't want to proceed. I happened to be out of the country at that time. When I came back she had already moved out and at that point we didn't speak, we didn't talk for almost a year. And then we met up for lunch and we talked, we talked about everything and we decided at that point okay, we're going to move forward with the divorce. Yes, but it was very amicable, it was very friendly, it was very loving, like there was just. You could feel that we both respected each other, you know, and loved each other in a way where we wanted the best for one another. She didn't fight me on anything. She didn't like, you know, I. Everything was very amicable.
Speaker 2:So that is that was probably the most surprising thing for you on how amicable, amicable, amicable. Now I feel like Fernanda, amicable. She's going like Fernanda.
Speaker 1:Amicable. She's going to make fun when I get home she's going to be like, say, the word.
Speaker 2:Say the word Amicable, it's biblical. Was that the most surprising thing for you?
Speaker 1:Did you think it was going to be tough? I did think it was going to be tough.
Speaker 1:You did okay, but not because I thought she was going gonna be vicious and like fight me on anything. I honestly didn't know. I had hopes that she would take the high, high road and you know, and and because she also knew like we were going through so much crap with my family and my mom's trust and the will and my step thing that you know, it was just such a rough time that she went through all that with me. So I think she knew like she was like cool, like I understand. Was she devastated and angry and probably had her own like anger towards me? Of course, 100%, I don't know. We didn't really like talk about that, but I'm going to assume she did. But yeah, we pretty much ended things there and at that point we went our separate ways.
Speaker 2:How did you guys handle dividing things up, especially Luna?
Speaker 1:So for the first couple of months. Well, initially I told her take whatever you want. She actually didn't take anything really. She took her stuff and her clothes and things like that, A few things in the home, like a TV I think, and that was pretty legit. She didn't want anything.
Speaker 1:And with the dog, I think she at first she was visiting her, like I would take her to my sister, she'd go there, or you know. But I think I got to a point where I said Listen, I don't think this is good for her or us, because I don't. I never want to be in a place where I'm sharing custody. I mean, I know, at some point with children you have to, but with an animal like I was like no, even though she is my child, I was like this is not going to be for me because I don't want to go through this process. Also, Luna happens to be for me because I don't want to go through this process. Also, Luna happens to be a very special child Like. She has a lot of anxiety, she doesn't like to be in new places.
Speaker 2:She's very much a dog's dog, kind of like you a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's a dog's dog. She likes to be with her cousins and likes to be around other animals, and so I told her, I said, if you want to take her like full time, like she is yours, feel free, I'm giving you that option.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But if not, then I would prefer to just keep her here. And so she said you know, I think I'm not in a place to take her, and also she gets along with the other dogs yeah, and also she gets along with the other dogs and she's also so finicky and she has all these things that I think she knew that at that point I was the better place for her to be. Yeah, at that time she had to transition her life very drastically, so, yeah, so she ended up staying here with me.
Speaker 2:Good old Luna asleep there, yep. How do you think the divorce, the divorce, how do you think the divorce shaped your confidence in who you are and who you've become? Oh, my. God.
Speaker 1:I think it changed me completely, like I am a completely different person than I was. I think it made me less selfish, it made me more self-aware. It made me much more confident, much more confident. I was able to be alone and know what I needed and what I wanted and had that time to like, reflect and live with myself and figure out what I want out of my next relationship, what I want out of my life. Who I am because for a long time I didn't know who I was. Who I am because for a long time I didn't know who I was. It was a huge moment in my life and I am very grateful for that because it definitely shaped me into who I am today and I like who I am today Good good In the process of it all, did you lose or gain any friends?
Speaker 1:I definitely don't think I lost friends. I mean, obviously there's always that time when you have mutual friends or there's, you know, like friends, that you meet through your partner who aren't necessarily your friends but they're more like acquaintances. And yeah, there were, there were, there were friends that were, I wouldn't say, lost.
Speaker 2:But relationships that kind of went their own way, went their own way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like we made an agreement that we would send out text messages to our groups of friends and let them know.
Speaker 1:But I also made a point to say, hey, you could be friends with her if you want to and you know, if you want to continue that relationship, that's perfectly fine with me. I don't mind, like it's not something, I'm not, I'm not going to sit here and be like you can't be friends with her, you know? I think I remember the text message. Yeah, so for me it was more like I am not here to tell anybody who they can and cannot be friends with. You can choose that on your own, and I think people did, based on their own relationships with her. But I wouldn't say that we lost, that I lost anybody that I would feel was a friend.
Speaker 2:Got it.
Speaker 1:Fair enough.
Speaker 2:How did your family react to the news of you getting a divorce?
Speaker 1:It was rough. I mean, my family loved her.
Speaker 1:My family was. We were all really I think also because of the trauma of everything that happened we all became really close. So it was hard. It was definitely hard. She was really close to my sisters or sister, so it was difficult. It was definitely hard. She was really close to my sisters or sister, so it was difficult. It was a difficult transition, but you know my family's my family and they're my siblings and they had to just be on board, whether they liked it or not, Right?
Speaker 1:How has, you know, going through that part of your life with the marriage and the divorce changed your view on love and relationships now, Well, I definitely know what I want out of a relationship and I definitely know what to look for now how to communicate, how communication is so important, how fighting is actually healthy.
Speaker 2:You heard that babe.
Speaker 1:Fighting is healthy. Speaking up is, you know, important. You got to speak up, you got to tell people, like when you're not happy with something or when something's bothering you. I think also the physical aspect of it, like intimacy, is really important and to not let it fizzle out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is a big deal. What's one of the first things you did after the divorce that made you feel like this is a fresh start? Some people, you know, cut their hair. Some people get like a makeover. Was there anything you did? I redid the house. You redid the house, yeah, and that made you feel like starting fresh.
Speaker 1:It made me feel like starting fresh, but it also made me feel like it was a different space a different time. I was starting a new life. Because it's hard when the other person moves out of your home. You know that person can go and create new memories in a new space, and so it's easy to kind of forget the other person in a way you know.
Speaker 1:But when you're left in the space, there are a lot of memories that are left in that space too, right? So this home, for me in particular, has a lot of memories, but I, thankfully, am okay with, you know, like being here and changing it and making new memories, and I have a lot of memories of my mom and I here because my mom helped me, like you know, renovate it, and so I think for me it was just a way of doing a doing like, like ripping the bandaid and having a fresh start and just redoing it and making it my own in a way that, not to say that I didn't make it my own before, because I did, but in a way that made it feel like it's just, it's just you, me, yeah.
Speaker 2:You and Luna? Mm-hmm, all right. So here's another question that I think a lot of people may want to know Mm-hmm, have you started dating?
Speaker 1:Oh, I have I've started dating. D have I've started dating dating apps. Just no, I'm kidding, I know I haven't done the dating apps. I don't think I will ever do the dating apps I don't need to how it's gone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I, I don't know I mean the only one I think that's had success is your friends.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Your friends are the only ones, I think, that I know.
Speaker 1:Jackie and Amanda.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Other than that I don't really know anyone else?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, no, my cousin didn't meet on a date.
Speaker 2:No, she didn't.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, no, I mean every partner I've had. I've met through somebody. No, I mean every partner I've had I've met through somebody.
Speaker 2:Through like a mutual friend.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, through mutual friends, or they were friends, or you know, like we just kind of always.
Speaker 2:So no one's like come up to you at the bar and was like, hey, let me have your number, and then you guys right off into the sunset, no, like they do in the movies. Yeah, it doesn't work like that, right. Yeah, how do you define happiness and success now compared to when you were married?
Speaker 1:I think now for me, happiness is very different, rooted in things and having success in career and having success in relationships and friendships. And I always put such an emphasis on the material stuff and I think now, as I've gotten older, I've realized that for me it's not so much, that it's more of the experiences I have in life, the bonds that I create, the relationships I have nurturing, those having people in my life that I trust and that I know are there for me and are truly, genuinely people that love me and want to see me succeed and want the best for me as I want for them. Yeah, and I'm in a place right now where I'm kind of just weeding out the bad seeds. Yeah, like, if you're not giving something to the relationship and you are sucking the life out of me, I don't want you in my life. If you're somebody who I can't trust because you talk shit behind my back or you say things that later come to fruition, I don't want you in my life.
Speaker 1:If you're jealous of me or jealous of the life that I have or the people around me. I don't want you in my life, and it's that simple. I unfortunately have had to say goodbye to friends that I've had for many, many years, because I just don't feel that if I can't trust you, I don't want you in my life. It's that simple. I'd rather have a small group of friends that I trust 100% and I know are there for me and I'm there for them, than friends that are there for me and I'm there for them, than friends that or partners that I feel I can't trust.
Speaker 1:And I think trust is like one of the major factors for me that I've kind of come to really realize is a huge component in my life. So for me I rather just focus on the things that make me happy and having a much simpler life. Yeah, and I think being alone now, in the sense of like not living with anybody, like I live alone, I live with Luna. You know there's you kind of. You have a lot of time to sit alone and think about the things that matter. I agree.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when you are alone, it gives you a different perspective on a lot of different things in your life. What's one piece of advice that you would give to someone that maybe is considering divorce?
Speaker 1:Honestly, I think for me, the biggest piece of advice that I would give to somebody who's thinking about getting a divorce, first of all, is work on the marriage as much as you possibly can and if you get to a point where you can't see getting over whatever that is, you know whether it's your, whether it's infidelity or whatever it was on your end or your partner's end that you can't seem to get over. I think, having an honest conversation with yourself, but also with your partner, and just knowing that shit's going to be hard. Yes, marriage is hard. It's hard, and not only that, but it's going to be hard because now people don't talk about this, but now all that financial stress is on that one person. Yes, you split all your bills before. Now, all your bills are for some people, some people don't. You know, some people have a different dynamic, but now you have to fully take care of yourself, whether it's you, the person who left the relationship, who was being supported, or the person who is doing the supporting. You have to now be 100% on your own. You have to now be your sole provider. Yes, and that's hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, also, knowing that people are going to judge you, people are going to hate you, people are going to talk shit about you, people are going to take a side and unfortunately it's something that happens. You know you're going to lose friends, you're going to lose family, you're going to lose people. It's something that happens. You know you're going to lose friends, you're going to lose family, you're going to lose people. Sometimes you gain friends and family because it depends on the relationship. Sometimes people just become one big happy family and that's becoming more common now than not. But a lot of times especially I think in our circle of you know, in the lesbian community maybe it's not so common. But I think my main advice would just be do you Like, be where you want to be in your life, because at the end of the day, you only get one Right, and the way I saw it was I was living my life for everyone else but myself, and it was about time that I did me.
Speaker 2:That's good. That's a good piece of advice. How do you feel about marriage now? Like would you, are you? Would you do it again? Oh yeah, if the right 100%.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had. No, you know what. I'm such a relationship person Like I love being in a relationship, I love being with someone, I love having a partner, I love having somebody to go do stuff with and share my life with and just be happy with. Like I love that. So I am all about getting married again If, when that time comes, I'm all about having a wedding. If that's what my partner wants, you know, like I Do, you want that. I don't necessarily need it and it's not.
Speaker 1:People say it's because you already had a wedding. It's not because I already had a wedding, it's because I think for me now, one lesson that I learned is it's I'm not getting married for the wedding, right, I'm getting married because I am genuinely, madly deeply in love with that person. And if that person wants to run away to Vegas, I'm running away to Vegas. If that person wants to elope and go get married somewhere else, we can go get married somewhere else. If that person wants to have a big ass lavish wedding, then that's fine. We can have a big ass lavish wedding. I don't care Like. For me it's not about having the wedding, and I realized that a lot of people, when they get married. It becomes about the wedding and not about the marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what Fernanda said about me. She said I just wanted it for the party. But I wanted both. I wanted the party and I wanted the marriage. I love to party. I hope your future wife wants a big wedding so that I could be MC again. I'm sure she will. This time I won't have a stain on my shirt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and do other things. I'm definitely not probably not going to get married in this country anyway. Well, I'm going to wherever it is. I'll hopefully be living in another country.
Speaker 2:Are you going to have the wedding in that country? Probably Okay. Well then I get to go to that wedding. Yeah, of course, Right. So I get to go to another country. Get to go to another country, to another wedding, if your future wife wants the wedding, if my future wife wants the way, because she could easily just be like no, yeah, I mean, and then I have nothing to go to, true, but I'll have a bachelorette party to go to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I guess. If you're going to throw it, yeah, why would?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm going to throw, but see if I throw it. Your definition of fun might not be the same.
Speaker 1:No, I don't think I'm that same person, so you would have fun.
Speaker 2:Hell yeah, I'd have fun. Like yeah, okay, then I would throw it, we have fun. Then I would throw the bachelorette party.
Speaker 1:I would hope that my future wife would be totally fine with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if not, then I would have to sell it to her.
Speaker 1:This is why I think she would be. Yeah, I think so too.
Speaker 2:I think this time you pick one that would.
Speaker 1:I would definitely pick somebody who is more open and trustworthy of me Not to say that my ex wasn't, but I think that for me, now I know what I want and what I need and the kind of partner I want and what I'm looking for, and I think that, yeah, I definitely have faith that I will eventually walk down the aisle again.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm very excited for that day to come. I'm excited, you know, for these new chapters in your life and I'm happy that you have found yourself through different versions of help, whether it was therapy, whether it were your friends, your family. I think everyone plays a role in helping us grow.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, for sure, I think know exactly who I am now and who I was then and the comparison of the two is drastically different and how much I've grown and how miserable I was and how sad I was, and not just because of the marriage I was in, but also because of just the place I was in. I think for me it was a bunch of different contributing factors, but I think getting myself into a relationship with somebody whom I wasn't fully 100% honest with myself about how I felt about them was myself about how I felt about them was, I think, the demise to my relationship. Yeah, because, if anything, if I can tell anybody anything is don't settle, don't just marry somebody, because either they give you an ultimatum or because they tell you that you know it's this or that, or you feel like you can't do any better, or you feel like you need to fulfill some kind of traditional fantasy, right, and sometimes people get married because they feel like the other person is going to take care of them. Yeah, yeah, and they, you know, need that support. And that's perfectly fine, as long as you're honest with yourself and you know that's the relationship you're getting yourself into and that's the marriage you're going to have and if other things arise, you know very well what you're getting yourself into.
Speaker 1:But for me I was really young, I had never been alone. I didn't really date a lot of people. I mean, I dated, but it wasn't like really long-term relationships. I was always cheated on. I always felt like I was going to be left for somebody else and my mother had said to me be with somebody who loves you more than you love them. Yeah, and I unfortunately made that mistake and I will never make that mistake again. Yeah, but let me tell you I'd rather hurt and be devastated and heartbroken and shattered into a million pieces but know what love is, yes, I agree with you Than to have the other side of that coin.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree. Well, I hope all of our viewers and our listeners and our fans all feel like they know you a little bit better now and that they got some really good advice from you. I appreciate you for coming on to the show. Thanks, Boo. Thanks for having me and opening up. Hopefully you don't feel weird the next time it's just the two of us so rude I'm going to hold that close to my heart now.
Speaker 2:But no, it was good. Thank you for sharing that part of your life. Of course that was good, of course.
Speaker 1:I know that, but no, it was good. I'm thank you for sharing that part of your life. That was good. Of course, I know that a lot of people had questions and they wanted to know.
Speaker 1:Um, I am going to be out of town for a little while, hopefully she comes back and she doesn't get blown away by the 200 mile per hour wind yes, we have some, some podcasts that we set up to go out while I'm gone, so hopefully you guys can enjoy those and when I come back we will talk about how Patagonia was Absolutely how I survived, yes, and I'm sure, all the craziness that happens, because whenever I travel with my sisters, some crazy shit happens.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can't wait to hear all about it. Yeah, I'm going to try and smuggle my mom to Chile. Oh, you are. Yeah, I'm going to try and smuggle my mom to Chile. Oh you are, yeah, oh my God, but apparently I had a conversation with a friend and she told me that I don't really have to smuggle her. I can do like a declaration of her ashes and then that's fine. So I'm going to look into it, but if it's too complicated she's going in a bag somewhere.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1:And I want to spread her a little bit in, like her little hometown. What if you get like?
Speaker 2:a key chain that they use for other things, and put her ashes in there.
Speaker 1:Maybe you'll get me one of those keychains Just remove the spoon. I might need the spoon to spoon her in. No, because then they're really going to check you. Oh, oh, yeah, no, I don't need to snort my mom.
Speaker 2:I don't need them to like put their pinky in and it she tastes a little sour. Oh my god.
Speaker 1:She would be spicy. Yeah, yeah, all right. Well, thank you so much, guys, for listening and watching. We hope you enjoyed this episode.
Speaker 2:Later booze, later booze.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the let's say more podcast. If you can, please show your love and support by writing a review on apple podcast, rating us on spotify and, of course, spreading the word and sharing us with your community, we would greatly appreciate it. The let's say more podcast is produced by yours truly, solange aurelio and ava mozafari and edited by myself, as Solange Aurelio and Ava Mozaffari and edited by myself as well, solange Aurelio.
